It’s Never Too Early to Explore a Run for the U.S. Senate

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I’d like to welcome you here today. My name is Jeffrey Fecke, I’m the acting press secretary for my daughter. I’m here to announce the formation of a committee to explore her run for the U.S. Senate.

more insideNow, some of you will no doubt object that my daughter is only 4 years old, and thus constitutionally ineligible to serve in the Senate starting in 2009.  That is, of course, correct, and she does not intend to do so. We are announcing her Senate candidacy for 2042.

Some may ask, why announce this early? Simple.  In April 2000, Mark Dayton announced his candidacy for the election to be held that November. As we speak today, in February 2007, two candidates have already announced for the November 2008 general election. Based on our calculations, we find that by 2042 candidates will need to announce their candidacies up to 35 years in advance.  Some candidates, of course, will choose to announce their candidacies using time travel.  That is their right, but my daughter will believe in good old-fashioned American values like causality and linear time. This campaign respects the laws of physics, and we have no patience for campaigns that believe themselves to be above the law.

Now, before we move on to the issues my daughter will focus on, let me first note that she will undoubtedly post some unfortunate things on her blog, which she will wish to take back. On June 18, 2024, she will write, “I am absolutely opposed to the election of Bushitler.”  Some will find this offensive, but I do not think any of us will be disappointed when Sen. John Bushitler (R-Guam) is defeated in his bid for the presidency. Additionally, she will rankle some when she doubts that Robot Jesus is indeed the mechanical incarnation of God. Though my daughter will write in 2027, “What kind of freak worships an Aibo with a bit of carpet glued to its face?”, she will wish to express to members of the Church of Robot Jesus (Reform) that she believes all religions have their good points, and the Robotic Christians certainly will be very supportive of engineering programs in the schools.

Now, let’s get to the issues. Some will ask: What would my daughter do to solve the problems caused by global warming? Good question.  As Minnesota’s senator, she will fight to get federal funding to support our massive influx of refugees from Tennessee, Arkansas and Georgia. Now, don’t get me wrong: Minnesotans welcome our friends in need.  Yes, our skin will be chilled by winter temperatures that dip down into the upper 80s, but our hearts are warm. That will not mean, however, that we will have an infinite amount of money, and it will cost plenty of money to convert Admiral Morrissey Memorial Stadium into a camp for 100,000 evacuees.

As for my daughter’s position on the war, she will want to express in no uncertain terms that it is time for President Bush’s war to end.  It will be foolish for Jenna Bush to invade Mars. As we will clearly know in hindsight, the Martians will not hold any Weapons of Planetary Destruction, and we will find ourselves pinned down in sectarian violence between the Barsoomians and the Olympians Mons. 2042 will be long past time to bring the troops home.

The $63 quadrillion federal deficit will be of concern, of course. My daughter will support the bold plan of changing the federal government’s address, getting caller ID, and telling collectors that our country is not in at the moment, but that we can take a message. While this will not solve the problem, it will allow us to go on ignoring it for a while, just like we have since 2001.

Finally, on civil rights, my daughter will want to emphasize that she strongly believes in the rights of mutants to marry.  Just because someone has grown an extra arm or lacks an eye or possesses strange powers of telekinesis doesn’t mean the state can refuse to recognize their loving relationships.  Some day, those who hold that mutants cannot marry will be looked upon as backward bigots, just as those who once opposed gay marriage will be viewed in 2042.

In short, my daughter believes it will be time for our nation to understand that the best days are yet to come, at least in the parts of our nation that aren’t actually melting. Thank you, and God Bless the Canadian-American Free State.