We will be liveblogging the GOP debate tonight from 8 to 9:30.  Enjoy!

So to recap, here’s the letter grades:

Rudy Giuliani: B.  Seemed tepid and tentative, except when attacking Ron Paul, but that got a good reaction.  His abortion answer won’t help him.

John McCain: A-minus.  Handed Romney his hindquarters on flip-flopping.

Mitt Romney: D.  Had his hindquarters handed to him on flip-flopping.

Tommy Thompson: I’d grade him, but I need to use the restroom.

Jim Gilmore: B-minus.  Actually seemed a bit more competent this time, and did a good job of polishing his bona-fides.

Ron Paul: A-plus.  He’s the only person who sounded remotely sane on the war, which is why he was attacked so viciously.  Of course, he’s still in favor of eliminating the government.  But at least he’s consistent.

Mike Huckabee: B.  Did a solid job, had some good lines.

Tom Tancredo: C.  Still hates Mexicans.

Duncan Hunter: C.  Hates Mexicans more than Tom Tancredo, plus he hates China.

9:27–Jim Gilmore, I’m noticing that…how to put this delicately…you’re all a bunch of white guys.  Does that bother you?

Gilmore: Yeah…you know, I reached out to minority groups.  But I’m not going to say it bothers me.  We should judge the people who are running.  And with the GOP, that’s a bunch of white guys.

Mitt Romney, you are a damn flip-flopper, aren’t you?  Can you identify any flip-flop where you’ve moved left?

Romney: I support that Democratic proposal, “No Child Left Behind.”  I also am opposed to teachers unions, like most members of the Democratic party. 

Duncan Hunter, you want to spend more time being Sinophobic?

Hunter: China’s coming!  And you can’t stop ‘em!  Remember the guy they ran over with the tank in Tienanmen Square?  Okay, they didn’t so much run him over as…not run him over.  But still!

And we’re done!  Now Hannity and Colmes, meaning that the quality of debate will actually fall.  A good night for Mike Huckabee, Ron Paul, and the Democrats.

9:14–Okay, let’s say that a whole bunch of shopping malls have been blowed up, but we’ve captured some people who might have information about it.  So, John McCain, should we torture ‘em?

McCain: If that happened, then as President, I might make that decision–but that’s a one-off decision, and we’re not living in the world of 24.  And guess what?  Torture doesn’t work.  And I know a bit about torture.

Rudy, torture works really well, doesn’t it?  Shouldn’t we torture?  Torture a lot?

Giuliani: Okay, in your hypotetical situation, everything shy of torture.  In your hypothetical.

Mitt?

Romney: Well, let’s try to make sure that the bombs don’t go off in the first place.  I did that as Governor.  I don’t want terrorists to have access to lawyers or the rule of law.  Let’s make Gitmo bigger!  Let’s torture!  Let’s beat on some Muslims!  Yeah!

Tommy Thompson, let’s say that we now know that these folks were trained in a West African nation.  Let’s call it, “Norocco.”  Should we nuke Casablanca?

Thompson: Let me misattribute this Al Haig quote to Ronald Reagan: “Trust, but verify.”  And maybe we could attack camps, rather than just nuking Rabat.

Sam Brownback, should we talk to the UN?

Brownback: UN?  Please.  Nuke Casablanca, Rabat, Tunis, Algiers, Tehran, and Paris–whatever it takes.

Duncan Hunter?

Hunter: Nuke every Muslim in the world, and let’s execute Keith Ellison while we’re at it.

John McCain?

McCain: People who have actually served in war oppose torture.  The chickenhawks are all for torture.  Draw your own conclusions.

Jim Gilmore, how would our economy grow after these hypothetical attacks, because let’s face it, that’s important to our constituents.  Er, your constituents.

Gilmore: I was Governor of Virginia on 9/11, so…you know, pretty much what I did.  I wouldn’t be afraid to inform the UN of what we were doing.  And we could actually maybe try to prevent these attacks in the first place.

Mike Huckabee, what would you do?

Huckabee: Remember when Bush urged people to go spend money?  Yeah, that wasn’t probably ideal.  Because 9/11 changed everything, and you know, I’m not going to talk about the economy, because guess what, it’s a stupid question.

Ron Paul, let me ask you a question about tax cuts, so you don’t inadvertently rile people up again?

Paul: I like cutting taxes, and also cutting spending.  It’s interesting that “torture” is now “enhanced interrogation.”  Because, you know, ignorance is strength.  By the way, remember Osama bin Laden?  Yeah, he’s hanging out in Pakistan.  Remember them?  They have nukes?

Tom Tancredo: We are too living in 24, John McCain.  We need Jack Bauer.  If America goes down, Western Civilization itself falls, because, you know, I guess Europe and Australia don’t count.

9:07–John McCain, should the Confederate flag have come down from the state capitol in South Carolina?

McCain: Yeah, and can’t we just please move on?  I don’t want to talk about this anymore.

Mike Huckabee, a parolee of yours once killed someone.  That’s your fault, isn’t it?

Huckabee: Not really.  If I could’ve seen the future, then maybe it would have been.  I’m not perfect, I’ll do my best not to repeat mistakes.  (This is really well done.)

Tom Tancredo, global warming?

Tancredo: Global warming doesn’t exist.  Okay, I won’t say that for sure.  So I guess I’ll argue we should move away from oil in the Middle East. Also, Ron Paul, the Muslims want to kill us because they just do, because they have to, because they’re Muslims.  Muslims!  Booga-booga-booga!

9:02–Ron Paul, if the GOP is screwed up, why would you want to win its endorement?

Paul: Hey, remember Bob Taft?  Sorry, that’s history.  Anyhow, conservatives used to be isolationists.  And I think that’s the way to go.  Let’s not go to war carelessly, because wars then don’t end.

Didn’t 9/11 change everything?

Paul: No.  We’ve been engaged in the Middle East, and that’s why they hate us–what’s so hard about this, people?  Are you all a bunch of idiots?

So you’re saying we brought 9/11 on ourselves?

Paul: Shut up.  That’s not what we’re saying.  They love that we’re there.

Giuliani: Hey, Ron Paul–how dare you say that we invited 9/11! 

Paul: I believe that the CIA is correct when they talk about blowback.  When we went into Iran in ‘53, there was blowback.  If we ignore that, we ignore that at our own risk.  They don’t come here to attack us because we’re rich, they attack us because we’re over there.

At this point, a fistfight nearly breaks out, so the Fox anchors bravely change the subject, lest something bad be said.

8:53–Tom Tancredo, go ahead and hate on the Mexicans for a while.

Tancredo: The Mexicans are coming for us!  And all of you are a bunch of flip-floppers–”I trust conversions on the road to Damascus, not the road to Des Moines.”

McCain: I don’t hate Mexicans.  And this will all be moot, because we’re getting really close to an agreement.  The Fort Dix six didn’t sneak in through Mexico.

Mitt Romney, you’ve attacked McCain for amnesty.  Last year, you spoke in favor of amnesty in an interview for the Lowell Sun.  What the–?

Romney: Let me tap dance quickly, and hopefully you’ll ignore that I totally flip-flopped on this issue.  And McCain-Feingold is teh suxor.

McCain: At least I’m not a God-damned flip-flopper, you little punk.  You want a piece of me?

Giuliani: Thank you, Tom Tancredo, for accusing me of being “soft” on something.  The focus on immigration is to know who’s in the country.  We need a fence, and an ID, and amnesty.  Though I’d never say that.

Duncan Hunter, how can we make sure that poor illegal immigrants suffer more?

Hunter: I personally built the fence in San Diego.  Personally.  Brick-by-brick.  Personally.  I hate the Mexicans at least as much as Tom Tancredo.

8:46–Pro-life discussion! 

Tommy Thompson, do you like stem cells?

Thompson: I like the Bush plan that didn’t work very well.  But I’m all about other research that doesn’t seem to work as well.  And why would we destroy embryos for research when we could just destroy them for no good reason?

Rudy Giuliani.  You know what’s coming.

Giuliani: If you want to keep government out of people’s lives, you have to allow people to make their own choices on their own personal lives.  There are some things that you can oppose, and you can try to reduce abortion, but it should stay legal.

Mike Huckabee?  You buying this?

Huckabee: I’m pro-life, so no, I’m not.  I guess it’s good that Giuliani is at least finally being honest.  We’re a culture of life.  If it’s wrong, we need to stop abortion.

Sam Brownback, nobody thinks abortion should be available “casually”–wait a sec, “casually?”  Anyhow, explain to a rape victim why she has to carry the child to term.

Brownback: Tough luck, it’s a life. 

Mitt Romney, you said that you had a relative die in a botched illegal abortion.  And you suddenly changed you mind five years ago.  Why?

Romney: It’s gone too far.  We’re near cloning.  Cloning!  And then you know what happens–the Borg come and take us over!  Our only choice is to overturn Roe.

8:36–Britt Hume is “Managing Editor?”  Does he follow O’Reilly around and correct his grammar?

Tell me, Jim Gilmore, why your fellow candidates aren’t conservatives.

Gilmore: I’m not going to name names, but there’s a candidate here who supports abortion, and his name rhymes with “Boody Pooliani.”  All right, it’s Giuliani.  Huckabee’s a tax-hiker.  Romney loves government interference in health care.

Giuliani: “Rudy McRomney” wouldn’t make a bad ticket.  I like the order.  (Good line.)  We can discuss all that, but I really don’t want to.  So let me attack Hillary Clinton here for a bit.  Because hey, GOP, you don’t really care all that much about abortion, do you?  Come on, let’s just ignore abortion.  I don’t want to answer.

Rudy, could you actually answer some of the questions I answered?

Giuliani: George Will says I’m the most conservative mayor in the history of New York City.  I’m pro-choice, but against people having to have abortion.  (So is Amanda Marcotte, Rudy.  You’ll have to do better than that if you want the wingers to forgive you.)

John McCain, you’re only conservative 97% of the time.  Can you explain that 3%?

McCain: I’ll reach across the aisle.  Occasionally.  But I hate Muslims, isn’t that enough?

Mike Huckabee, you raised taxes?

Huckabee: I’d like to get into Jim Gilmore’s “Rudy McRomney” moniker.  Maybe “Rudy McHuckomney.”  How ’bout that?  Also, guess what, occasionally I raised taxes, but I cut more than I raised.

Mitt Romney, you used to be pro-gay rights and pro-choice, and you hate guns.  Huh?

Romney: Well, I’m really conservative when you consider Massachusetts.  I do support an assault weapons ban, and I support not killing gays.

Sam Brownback, would Ronald Reagan cut and run in Iraq?  And would he be soft on the Mexican menace?

Brownback: Maybe.  He was soft on the Mexican menace at least once, and look how well that worked!  Reagan would work on those things, and he’d also work on a bunch of things I like.

8:35–Sean Hannity wants me to text my vote for debate winner.  So far, I would text, “The Democratic Party.”  But I don’t think that’s what he’s looking for.

8:22–Hey, critics don’t call Mitt Romney “Flip Flop Mitt.”  They call him “Multiple Choice Mitt.”  Better aliteration.

Romney: I’ve raised taxes before, but I won’t raise them now, unless we have to, because Washington is broken.  So let’s reorganize the government, because that sounds like I’m doing something.  We also could use benchmarks in Washington, and make Washington more efficient, unless you’d rather we oppose benchmarks in Washington, in which case I will too.

McCain: Okay, I once opposed tax cuts, and now I support them.  But that’s because we spend too much money, and let me repeat that drunken sailor line that got a good laugh last time.

Mike Huckabee, how do we reform the AMT?

Huckabee: Fair tax which is a flat tax which is a tax cut.  Steve Forbes 4eva!  We’ve spent money “Like John Edwards at a beauty shop.”  Crowd loves it.

Rudy, here’s a softball.

Giuliani: Hey, I lowered taxes in New York City.  So there.

Sam Brownback, should we accept higher gas prices?

Brownback: No!  I mean, if we drilled in ANWR, there’d be almost six months worth of fuel!  Think about it–we’d be energy independent through November!  Also, we could maybe raise CAFE standards, but not if it makes business mad.

So, Tommy Thompson, can you name three federal programs to cut?

Thompson: I will veto you!  There are a bunch of programs that need to be cut, but exactly which programs they are, I’m not going to tell you.

Uh…you didn’t mention any.

Thompson: I’d get rid of the CDC’s stockpile of diseases, because why do we need to understand disease?

Ron Paul?

Paul: I would eliminate the government, starting with homeland security.

But what about the threat of the Muslamofascists?

Paul: I’m not sure adding bureaucracy has helped things.  Uh oh!  And you know what that sound means–it’s time to spin the wheel!

Jim Gilmore, can you bore me by droning on about entitlements for a while?

Gilmore: Yes, I can.  Also, I can cut taxes, because I’m conservative.  Consistently conservative.  The people in the audience believe conservatism are best (yes, I think it’s true).  Everyone else around here is liberal.  Not me.  Oh–and that sound means it’s time for the jumble!

Duncan Hunter, care to be Sinophobic for a while?

Hunter: The Chinese are devaluing their currency to eat your brains.  Your brains!

Tom Tancredo, hate on your fellow Republcans.

Tancredo: We spend way too much money! 

And now, a commercial.  Because Fox loves them some money!

8:05–Iraq–why?

McCain: Genocide, chaos, and al Qaeda will follow us home.  They want to follow us home.  Vietnam–no follow home.  But Iraq–they’ll follow us home!  Aieeee!

How can you require Iraq to do anything?

Tommy Thompson: What?  I’m sorry, I was distracted.  I have to go to the bathroom.  Anyhow, blah blah blah, do the right thing, stake in the government, split the oil revenues.  And when did we start pretending they weren’t a puppet government?

Mitt–would you ever pull out of Iraq?

Romney: Well, I sure won’t commit to failure, and you want us to fail!  I won’t fail!  Caliphate!  The Shi’a and Sunni are working together!  The Muslim Brotherhood is bad!  Aieeeee!  See that, McCain–an extra e!

Brownback: We need to pull people together here, and let me condemn the Democrats in an effort to unify the country.

Ding!  And now we move onto our second round, where the dollars are double, and so is the danger!

Rudy, are we in Iraq forever?

Giuliani: It’s really super irresponsible to have a timetable.  And McCain, al Qaeda’s already followed us here!  Fort Dix six, who were going to attack a military base, which…well, isn’t so much terrorism as really, really stupid.

Tancredo, are you giving a timetable for retreat?

Tancredo: We’re going to be in “the region” for a long time.  (Well, if you mean the Middle East…yeah, you’re probably right.)  Troops should be in a supporting role.  Bush himself established a benchmark of November.  I won’t micromanage the war.  Ooh, bell–you said the secret word!

Ron Paul, 77 percent of Republicans are insane and think we should stay in Iraq forever.  Aren’t you a damn dirty Democrat?

Paul: Uh, scoreboard?  Have you idiots noticed that nobody outside of the wingnutosphere likes this war?  Do you morons remember when Reagan pulled us out of Beruit?  Criminy, the Gipper would hate you all.

Duncan Hunter, can you spout some GOP talking points?

Hunter: Yeah, and my son is in Iraq, too.

Mike Huckabee, can you get me Jared’s autograph?  Also, should we send more troops to Iraq?

Huckabee: Whatever the military says is what we should do.  There’s an old saying in the south…sorry, all I can hear after that is “There’s an old saying in Texas.  Maybe you have it here in Tenessee too….”

Jim Gilmore, first-strike nuclear attack on Iran–pro or super-duper-pro?

Gilmore: Let’s put sanctions on right now, and then if they don’t get the message, then we nuke Tehran in order to prevent nuclear attacks.

8:05–Okay, the time bell is lamer than lame.  It sounds like we’re out of time on “Hollywood Squares.”

8:02–Interesting, they’re listing religions.  McCain is a Presbyterian, Paul is Protestant, Giuliani Catholic, Tancredo a Presbyterian, Huckabee a Baptist (and a Baptist Minister–but you knew that), Gilmore a Methodist–my parents are proud, I’m sure, Hunter a Baptist, and Romney’s a…wait, what’s his religion again?  Anyhow, Brownback’s a Catholic, and Tommy Thompson…well, who cares, really?  We know he isn’t a Jew–though he finds them to be wily.

8:01–You know, if you told me only that Katon Dawson was someone’s name, I might guess he was South Carolina GOP chair. 

8:00–It’s time for the Fox debate!  This is awesome–sort of like watching Kruschev and Brezhnev square off on the pages of Pravda.  I’m totally stoked, especially because Britt Hume is moderating, and by “moderating,” I mean “hating on Democrats.”