Vote for Me, 9/11

In an effort to get a few extra dollars to pay for his daughter’s gymnastics lessons, Minnesota Monitor writer Jeff Fecke has sold the rights to this week’s column. We hope you enjoy this special paid advertorial from Republican presidential candidate and former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani.

My fellow Americans, surely you remember September 11, 2001. I know I do. I was in New York City on 9/11. In fact I was mayor on that fateful day when the twin towers fell on September the 11th of 2001. And like anyone affected by September 11, I learned some important lessons, not just about 9/11, but about our world. Which is why I’m writing to ask for your support as we go into the critical Florida primary next Tuesday.

You know, September 11 was on a Tuesday. Go figure.

Anyhow, as many of you know, I made the decision not to compete in any primaries or caucuses before Florida. I made this decision based on the lessons of 9/11. Math was part of that day, a day that is described by the numbers 9, 11 and 2001. And with math I could tell that despite the large amount of money I had spent in New Hampshire, Iowa, Michigan and South Carolina, I was not going to win there. So instead I redirected my campaign’s resources to Florida, where I was not yet slipping in the polls.

And so, with Florida coming up quickly, and since nobody’s buying the line that I’m instead going to push back my campaign until the Idaho Republican primary on May 27, I think it’s important that we go over what’s really important to our country. We have to as a nation decide one simple question: Are we going to move forward or backward?

As a conservative, I believe we must move backward, backward to our nation’s finest day: September 11, 2001.

Some will say that day was not a fine day at all, but instead a tragic day where thousands of Americans were killed by terrorists, but I beg to differ. For me it was the most important day of my political career, for on that day, I learned a valuable lesson: If you happen to be in charge when a great, big tragedy occurs, people will initially rally to support you, even if you’ve been a lousy leader for most of your time in office.

Oh, sure, I used the New York City Police Department to harass political opponents and walk my mistress’ dog, and, yeah, I may have pushed through a bunch of draconian laws designed to maximize my power as mayor, and I may have generally behaved like a megalomaniacal tinpot dictator, but come September 11, 2001, I was America’s mayor. Everyone loved me, enough that I decided to run for president as a Republican despite being pro-choice, pro-gay and anti-gun.

Now some will say that next Tuesday I will lose. This is why I urge you, my fellow Americans, to help me build a bridge, a bridge back to 9/11, when I was popular and people liked me, instead of now, when people have figured out that I’m kind of creepy and mean and a guy that can’t even get his kids to vote for him. If you do that, if you come with me on that bridge to 9/11, I know that we can come together and elect me our nation’s last president. Thanks for your support.

Rudy Giuliani is the former mayor of New York City