rush-limbaugh-idiotAl Franken’s one word for Sen. Arlen Specter in 1996, when Specter sought the Republican presidential nomination: “Hopeless.” But Franken’s frank assessment of the man he hopes to join in the Senate went beyond that one word. Franken devoted a chapter of his 1996 book “Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot and Other Observations“ to the U.S. Senate’s newest Democrat.

As with Franken’s description in the book of Limbaugh as “national precinct chairman for the Republican party,” his take on Specter’s place in the GOP seems prescient now.

The “hopeless” tag comes just before the Specter chapter, in a list of “fun” search-term phrases he entered into the Nexis internet database:

Gingrich AND grotesque     432 [stories]

Specter AND hopeless    452

Pat Robertson AND crazy OR nutty OR lunatic    677

Limbaugh AND fat    1,084

Buchanan AND racist    1,089

In his brief chapter “Arlen! Arlen! Arlen! and Other Thoughts on the ‘96 Election,” Franken mostly ridicules Specter’s bid for the top of the GOP ticket:

When I hear pundits handicap the ‘96 Republican race, I’m always surprised that they leave Arlen Specter out of the first tier of candidates.

He has so much going for him: he’s from a big state with a large number of delegates and electoral votes. He’s been a U.S. senator for fourteen years. He got a lot of name recognition from the Clarence Thomas hearings, where he attacked Anita Hill for making accusations about sexual harassment.

Speaking of the women’s vote, he’s pro-choice! And best of all, he’s Jewish, with access to a lot of pro-Israel money.

If I were Arlen Specter, I would assign a transition team right now.

But first things first, I guess. Planning his coronation at the Republican convention. I’ve been trying to envision it since Specter announced his candidacy, and I’ve decided it will look something like this:

First of all, lots of signs. But they won’t say “Specter.” Focus groups will show that the name “Specter” scares people. So the signs will read “Arlen.” And when Wyoming puts him over the top, there’ll be thousands of grassroots Republican loyalists who have worked years just for this moment, all chanting at the top of their lungs, “Arlen!” “Arlen!” “Arlen!”

The theme of the Arlen Convention, as it will come to be known, will be “The Big Tent.” Or perhaps, “The Huge Tent.” Or maybe, “The Extraordinarily Large Tent.” There’ll be a big Christian Coalition press conference on the eve of the convention, where Ralph Reed will back off from his threat to oppose any ticket with a pro-abortion nominee. Instead, Reed announces he’ll support any Republican ticket that doesn’t include a nominee who has actually performed an abortion.

I’ve been giving this a lot of thought. As I see it, there are two possible scenarios that could lead to an Arlen Convention. The first is a plane crash. A 747 carrying Dole, Gramm, Buchanan, and Alexander crashes … on top of Newt Gingrich and Colin Powell.

The second is a bus crash. It plays out kind of the same way.

WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS ARLEN SPECTER THINKING?

REALLY. What is he thinking?

Forgetting he’s pro-choice in today’s Republican party. Forgetting that the women for whom that would be attractive mostly remember him as the man who accused Anita Hill of committing perjury. Forgetting that he’s humorless and pasty-looking. He’s Jewish!

See, I’ve been following the whole Colin Powell phenomenon, and it’s led me to one indisputable conclusion: The first Jew to be elected President of the United States will have to be a four-star general.