I just about spit out my leftover cheese garlic grits while reading today’s coverage of the Kentucky Derby in the Pioneer Press.

The problems start with the byline. The article was apparently written by Mark Blaudschun, of the heretofore unknown “Boston Glove.” Then there’s Join in the Dance, who finished in the middle of the pack, thus apparently shortening his name to “Join the Dance.”

Both simple, easily explainable mistakes. But then things really run off the rails.

The chief story line of the day, of course, was the 50-1 upset sprung by Mine That Bird, and the rags-to-riches tale of jockey Calvin Borel. “It was his second Derby victory in three years,” the Pi Press story notes, “having guided Secret Sense into the winner’s circle in 2007.”

Secret Sense, eh? I must have been in a mint-julep-induced coma during that year’s race. Or perhaps the beast being referenced here is Street Sense?

So what the hell happened to pre-race favorite Friesan Fire, trained by the iconoclastic Larry Jones? The Louisiana Derby winner was never a factor, finishing 18th. Which apparently was a sufficiently disgraceful performance that he shall henceforth be known as “Friensen Fire.”

Friensen Fire’s collapse wasn’t a complete surprise, though (according to the Pioneer Press story), because “he had never run more than 1-1/2 miles.” Of course none of the entrants in the 19-horse field had ever run more than 1-1/2 miles. In fact, I’m not sure where you would find a race longer than 1-1/2 miles to enter if (for some reason) you wished to do so. Presumably the story was attempting to point out that questions persisted about Friesan Fire (or Friensen Fire, or Frilly Fat Ferret, or Fancy Ray McCloney, or whatever the hell you want to call the beast) because he’d never run a race longer than 1-1/16 miles.

In other news: I hear Barbaro is now the favorite for the Preakness.