Photo: Ryan Bushby, Wikimedia Commons

It was a tear-filled room at a meeting of the Health, Housing and Family Security Committee as senators heard testimony about how medical marijuana had helped loved ones live in less pain during the last few days of their lives. But after those tears, the hearing devolved into a strange round of testimony as opponents pulled out all the stops to blame marijuana for higher crime rates and the downfall of the family, and one testified that medical marijuana is a scheme by billionaire George Soros to make drugs legal.

Dr. George Wagoner, a physician in Virginia, Minn., broke down as he described the trials he and his wife suffered as she struggled with ovarian cancer. They had tried Marinol, a prescription made of synthetic THC, one of the more than 60 active compounds in marijuana.

After the couple tried everything, they turned to friends after hearing about medical marijuana. Soon after, a bag of marijuana mysteriously appeared on their doorstep. After smoking a small amount, he said his wife “experienced sudden and complete relief from her nausea.”

Choking back tears, he said, “Eating lunch isn’t a big deal until you can’t … The relief was as complete and dramatic as any I’ve experienced in my practice.”

Joni Whiting described how marijuana helped her daughter, a wife and mother of three, deal with the pain of cancer during the last days of her life.

“I can tell you with conviction that I would have no problem going to jail for acquiring medical marijuana for my suffering child,” said Whiting. “The law is unjust. And I would have rather spent the rest of my life in prison than have denied her the medicine that kept her pain at bay and allowed her to live 89 more days.”

She spoke of her family, their service to the country (Whiting is a Vietnam veteran and one of her sons recently completed an 18-month tour in Iraq) and her reluctance to allow an illegal drug in her home. “What would you have done had you been in my shoes?” Whiting asked. “Could you sleep at night when your child was screaming in pain?”

Kathy Rippentrop spoke of her mother, who used marijuana when she suffered debilitating pain as a result of cancer. “Two puffs, two minutes, and the violent sickness was totally gone,” she said. “An hour later, Mom was able to have a good meal. The stomach problems from the chemo were totally gone. It also helped her regain a quality of life that allowed her to continue to fight.”

But those moving stories were contrasted by the testimony against medical marijuana.

Tom Prichard, president of the Minnesota Family Council, took criticism of the bill to an extreme. “This bill would allow 18-year-old boys to grow marijuana in their homes without any outside supervision,” he said. “My reading of the bill says it would prevent landlords from regulating the growing and use of marijuana on their premises.”

He continued, “This bill would allow marijuana dispensaries to set up shop across the state, in homes and storefronts on main streets and neighborhoods and apartment buildings. Why? The only reason I can see is that it is to legitimize, frankly, the broader acceptance of marijuana in the community’s eyes.”

James Stinziani, who said he was part of the “LaRouche operation,” said that the push for medical marijuana was simply a conspiracy drawn up by billionaire George Soros. “What is happening here — if anybody is familiar with George Soros — he is pretty much supporting and funding the major drug operations in the United States.” He accused medical marijuana supporters of being in league with Soros.

But legislators weren’t buying it. The bill passed the committee by a voice vote of 8-3.

Sen. Yvonne Prettner Solon, DFL-Duluth, countered the opposition testimony. “We’re not talking about getting people hooked on drugs and then going out in the street and, you know, destroying their lives and passing it on to other people. We’re talking about end of life issues — a last resort for people’s suffering.”

I awoke in an opulent room, with a fire roaring in a marble fireplace.  I was sitting in a comfortable, cushy chair, a glass of scotch sitting on the table next to me.  Shaking my head, I took a sip of it — a nice, single-malt Islay.  Whoever had slipped me a mickey and kidnapped me had good taste.

Suddenly, a door opened, and into the room strode the man himself: George Soros.“So, I see my minions have brought you to me,” he said.  “Good.  We have much to discuss and not much time to discuss it.  I have much work to do in my quest to destroy America, and I need you to help me.”

“Why would I want to destroy America?” I asked, perplexed.  Soros laughed.

“Oh, I’m only kidding about that.  I just want to defeat the Republican Party.  But they always complain about that, saying that means I want to destroy America, and frankly, it’s got a much darker ring to it.  Far more melodramatic, don’t you think?”

“Why have you kidnapped me?” I asked, taking a sip of the scotch.

Soros sat down opposite me and smiled.  “I want you to join a small group of bomb-throwers, investigative reporters, activists, and journalists in my new project.  My goal is to create a counterbalance to the right-wing noise machine in Minnesota.”

“Why Minnesota?”

“Why anywhere?  Minnesota’s as good a place as any.  You’ve got a lot of right-wing bloggers there who are convinced of their own self-importance.  Plus that Mark Kennedy/Amy Klobuchar race is supposed to be a barnburner.  Here,” he said, handing me a sheet of paper.  “These are the people you’d be working with.”

I looked over the list and handed it back.  “I can’t, Mr. Soros,” I said, glumly.

“Why not?”

“Well … I mean, I’m a bit outclassed in this group, aren’t I?  Abdi Aynte?  Andy Birkey?  Robin Marty, for heavens’ sake?  These are really talented writers.  And I haven’t even mentioned Joe or Sara or Leigh or Paul.”

“Of course they’re good,” said Soros.  “That’s why I collected them.”

“So why me?  All I can do is write snarky opinion pieces and the occasional fictitious piece that includes dialogue that never happened between people who’ve never met, suggesting dark conspiracies that don’t exist. What do I bring to the table?”

“Well, that’s about it,” said Soros.  “But it serves my purposes.  Here,” he said, shoving a contract into my hands.  “Sign by the ‘X.’  You won’t regret it.”

No sooner had I done so then I woke up in my room, head down on the keyboard, a trillion Qs littering my screen. I got up and shook my head. Was it all just a wonderful dream?

No, it wasn’t — for there on my desk was my signed, lifetime indenture to George Soros.

And so it was that I came to join the crew at Minnesota Monitor. We’ve had fun, we’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve loved, we’ve learned.  I just hope my writing continues to please Mr. Soros, because I’d hate for him to invoke section nine of the contract; I really don’t want to be hunted for sport on Soros’ private island.